For many of us, there’s a curious ick factor associated with the word intimacy. In our younger years, we may have heard adults on TV use the term as a musty euphemism for sex, stripping it of graphic detail but somehow making it more uncomfortable.

Sex is, or can be, part of intimacy, but intimacy encompasses so much more: closeness, safety, revelation, and warmth between individuals. It’s about reducing the space that separates us.

‘Intimacy’, like ‘lover’, is making a comeback. Perhaps it’s becoming a wellness buzzword on the verge of overuse. But if you’re new to intimacy—the term and/or the experience—how nice for you.

You’re probably not as new as you think. Intimacy isn’t just about lighting romantic candles and cosying up to the love of your life (though it can certainly include that). It is distinct from love and can be fostered between friends, sexual partners, family, and sometimes even strangers.

Although intimacy doesn’t fit neatly into one definition, we generally understand it to involve authentic connection with another person. We get to know them deeply, and they get to know us in return. The ways we achieve this are typically broken down into five categories:

Physical intimacy

This is the obvious one. It covers touching, hugging, kissing, sex—however you define it—and overall physical affection. Depending on your feelings, being physical may be the easiest way to fast-track intimacy in your relationship, or it could be the most daunting.

Not everyone enjoys being touched. Getting naked and having sex can also bring insecurities to the fore. To nurture physical intimacy, it’s essential that everyone involved feels safe. Respecting boundaries, bodies, and consent is crucial in any sexual experience.

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy revolves around communicating feelings. For many, this is the challenging aspect of intimacy. The tools to express how someone made us feel aren’t distributed equally, and our thresholds for trust play a significant role.

Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability. If someone doesn’t confide in you, consider whether you can help them feel more secure. As with all types of intimacy, listening is as important as communicating. SHIPS Psychology offers great intimacy-building prompts to help us delve into our feelings and desires.

Intellectual intimacy

Often described as a “meeting of the minds,” intellectual intimacy involves sharing what you enjoy and care about, including your passions, politics, and worldviews.

I recall being alone with my first boyfriend after we’d made things official. To get him up to speed, I listed my biggest fears, embarrassing stories, and favourite things while asking him similar pointed questions. Looking back, this attempt to flood our relationship with intimacy feels a bit overzealous, but it set a good precedent for honest and stimulating discussion, which, in hindsight, was the best part of that relationship.

Consider the intellectual ground you like to cover with those around you. Identify what challenges you to grow together and which values are non-negotiable for you.

Experiential intimacy

Experiential intimacy refers to the connections that strengthen when we spend time together. This might happen when we watch a favourite show, go hiking, or travel. These bonds can also form when we support each other through difficult moments and milestones.

As Esther Perel argues, having separate experiences is also crucial for sustaining intimacy and desire in the long term.

Spiritual intimacy

Spirituality can be deeply personal and nuanced, making alignment with another person’s beliefs challenging. It’s not always essential, either. While you might not have an explicit spiritual practice or faith, you can connect with someone based on a shared code of ethics.

At the very least, getting to know each other well can involve asking the big questions about the meaning of life.

While these five elements expand our understanding of intimacy beyond sex, they only scratch the surface.

Ziyad Marar, author of Intimacy: Understanding the Subtle Power of Human Connection, posits that intimacy has four additional characteristics: it is reciprocal, emotional, conspiratorial, and kind.

Reciprocity distinguishes intimacy from love. Love can be unrequited, but intimacy exists between people and must be mutual. Love doesn’t even have to be present for intimacy to occur. Marar illustrates this with the example of strangers on a plane who share personal revelations. There is no baggage from the past or pressure for the future, creating a welcoming environment for risk-taking.

The shared feelings must heighten our emotions, affirming that the moment we’re experiencing is significant, according to Marar. That shared moment must also have some understanding that it remains between those who experienced it.

The final element of intimacy is kindness. When we share something private, we expose ourselves to vulnerability, yet we take a leap of faith that we will instead be met with care. “Take kindness away from intimacy and you get torture,” says Marar.

With all these components at play, intimacy can seem elusive, but there is comfort in knowing it can arise from various sources throughout our lives. If we nurture intimacy and are mutually responsible for that rare and precious space between us, however fleeting, we may find that sex, relationships, connection, and life itself become all the more pleasurable.