Introducing In Touch - real stories, honest conversations and shared experiences from our community. Pleasure, connection, and sexuality are deeply personal. No two experiences are the same and there are endless stories of discovery, desire and self-acceptance waiting to be told. This series is about sharing them.

Cancer is often seen as a monolithic experience - a singular battle with a clear beginning, middle, and end. But for those who live through it, the reality is much more nuanced. From what was a relatively unremarkable leaky nipple one day, and a Bilateral Mastectomy the next, Jes, who was only 36 at the time, shares with us her experience of what corners of the internet donned, ‘The Kiss of Death’, and the impact it’s had on her relationship with herself. 

“I first noticed a leaky nipple. I let it go, probably way too long, noticing smudges and stains in my bra, just assuming I was a little piggie spilling food or something. When I finally took it seriously enough to ask Google doctor, I assumed it was a pituitary gland issue causing me to lactate despite not being pregnant. Thinking I was being so reasonable by not jumping to the worst conclusions, I went to see my GP. She squeezed my nip, which put on a good show and oozed everywhere, freaking her out, which freaked me out that it was so unexpected for her.” 

An immediate ultrasound, doctor’s visit, and appointment at the Breast Clinic confirmed it. Jes had TNBC: Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Of course we’ve all been told that you should never Google your diagnosis - but, of course, we all do it anyway. Jes, a human being on planet earth, was no exception. 

“Of course I jumped straight on Google. It didn’t take me long to find a bunch of journal articles with names like ‘TNBC: The kiss of death. But I didn’t have that much time to think about it. I quickly had to start chemo and immunotherapy.” 

Jes ultimately underwent a Bilateral Mastectomy (removal of both breasts) with DIEP reconstruction, using the tissue from her stomach to replace her breasts instead of silicone implants. This meant losing both of her nipples, with her areolas being replaced by trimmed skin from her stomach. Undergoing such a major, body-altering surgery would naturally bring up a number of emotions in anyone – concerns about appearance, recovery, and identity being among them. 

“I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough tummy to replace the boobs I’d originally had - all of the plastic surgeons warned me that this might be the case. And I felt sad about that, but I also felt that being sad about something like that was vain, and I was too ashamed to say that I felt sad about it.” 

“I’m not really a super confident person in how I look, but I suppose [my boobs] were one part of my body I never really worried about. I knew that boys liked them. The night before my surgery a friend slash situationship stayed with me, and in the morning, he wiped a fake tear from his eye and said “Goodbye to the best pair of tits I’ve ever seen.”

Now, a number of years post-surgery, Jes’ relationship with her body looks different. 

“I suppose I don’t really worry about [my boobs], but it’s in a very different way. I still don’t have a lot of feeling in them, so it’s harder to connect. I also don’t have any nipples, which makes the scarring seem quite dramatic. Apparently I’m on a waitlist for 3D nipple tattooing, which I guess might help. I’ve been poked and prodded at by so many people over the last three years that I have no emotional connection to my body at all anymore. I would happily walk the streets naked now.” 

When something has such an intense physical and emotional toll on you, self care can become less of a priority than simply finding ways to cope. As Jes will attest, sometimes we have to ‘do what we do, just to get through’. 

“I did try to prioritise eating well and exercising, but for me, during treatment and recovery, it was about doing whatever I felt like I needed. I drank a lot, because I needed something to take the edge off. I laid down as much as I could - but I worked full-time throughout, so it wasn’t that much - and watched all 10 seasons of Vanderpump Rules in a terrifyingly short amount of time.” 

Independent (possibly to a fault), worried about being burdensome, and going through this process during COVID restrictions, Jes kept largely to herself. Even so, the importance and impact of having a strong support system was never lost on her. 

“My community were everything. My best friend would call me after every appointment, and joined forums and groups of supporters of cancer patients. She knew more about my illness and my surgeries than I did. My situationship also played an important role in that he was the only person that I cried to, that I planned my funeral with, that I talked to about how I really felt. Everyone else got a different version of me, but I needed that too. Sometimes I just needed to be normal.” 

Even with the unwavering support of loved ones, and Bilateral Mastectomy or otherwise, the topic of body image is complicated and complex for the most enlightened of us. 

“I only had my last surgery about four months ago, so I am still figuring [my relationship with myself] out. Up until that point, there was always one more on the cards, so it seemed a bit pointless to get used to anything. I don’t think I have any more left, so I guess I can start now? It made me quite sad to realise how obsessed with having a flat tummy I was before, and how, now that I have one, I’ve just shifted that negative energy onto other parts of me – my arms or my legs – parts that I’d never worried about before. I’m trying to use that as proof of how irrelevant it is.” 

Jes is still learning how to exist in a somewhat foreign body that has been through immense change and trauma. But while there’s no tidy ending to a story like this, Jes, and certainly all who know her, are lucky to see her story continue - her cancer being one footnote in a much larger narrative.

Jes leaves us with two pieces of sage advice: 

“For those supporting a loved one with cancer, the best thing you can do is just be there. Oh, and get a good GP. Trust me on that one.”

We thank Jes so much for sharing her story with us. 

Do you have your own story about love, intimacy, self-care or dating you’d like to share with us? We’d love to hear from you. Drop us an email at hello@lbdo.com.au