Being asexual, or ‘ace’, means different things to different people. Broadly speaking, someone who identifies as asexual experiences little to no sexual attraction. However, there are many ways within the ace community to identify, and it’s crucial not to make assumptions about someone’s asexuality.

Asexuality is an umbrella term that encompasses a variety of identities and labels. Like all identities, it exists on a spectrum. Before we explore what asexuality is, let’s clarify some of the common misconceptions about it.

Asexuality is the inability to find a partner.

This is not true. Many asexual individuals find themselves in happy, healthy relationships of various kinds. Some people assume that asexual individuals will feel sexual attraction or desire when they meet the ‘right’ person; however, there are many ways to be in a relationship where sex is not the primary focus.

You may experience different types of attraction, such as sensual or physical attraction, platonic attraction, emotional attraction, or aesthetic attraction. It’s possible for asexual individuals to experience any or all of these attractions, and some may indeed feel sexual attraction under specific circumstances.

One example of a relationship that exists within the asexual community is a queerplatonic relationship. This term, which originated in the asexual and aromantic communities, refers to a very close non-romantic relationship. According to the Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN), anyone can have a queerplatonic relationship, regardless of their sexual or romantic orientation, and those involved can be just as committed as in a romantic relationship.

If you’re asexual, you’re not ‘interested’ in any gender.

Not necessarily. An asexual person can be romantically attracted to individuals of the same gender, another gender, or multiple genders. These relationships can involve other asexual individuals or people who are not asexual.

Aces often use hetero-, homo-, bi-, and pan- in front of the term "romantic" to describe who they are attracted to. For example, a person who identifies as hetero-romantic may be attracted to people of a different sex or gender, but not necessarily in a sexual way.

Asexuality is the same as celibacy or abstinence.

This is incorrect. There is a significant and important distinction between the two, which is choice. Celibacy and abstinence are conscious decisions, while asexuality is not.

Some individuals choose to abstain from sex until marriage or during difficult periods in their lives. The key word here is "choose."

Celibacy and abstinence are behavioural decisions, whereas asexuality relates to how someone innately feels.

Being asexual means never having sex.

Among the myths and misunderstandings in the ace community, this one is particularly prevalent. Let’s clarify: some asexual individuals do have sex and may even enjoy it. Asexuality does not automatically mean someone does not enjoy sex; it means they don’t experience sexual attraction, which is a subtle but important distinction.

Many non-asexual people may have a low libido or may not desire sex. Similarly, many asexual individuals still have a libido and may experience sexual desire, but this desire may not be linked to sexual attraction. In other words, they might not look at someone and feel the urge to have sex, yet still want to engage in sexual activity. Some asexual individuals may masturbate, while others might only feel sexual attraction in limited circumstances.

For instance, someone who identifies as demisexual—often considered part of the asexual umbrella—experiences sexual attraction only when they have a deep connection with another person. This means they may feel sexually attracted to those with whom they have formed deep romantic bonds.

Greysexual individuals (another term within the ace umbrella) rarely experience sexual attraction or experience it with very low intensity. As AVEN explains, greysexuality is often seen as a midpoint between sexuality and asexuality.

There are various reasons why an asexual person might choose to engage in sex: to satisfy their libido, to conceive children, to please their partner, to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex, or for the intimacy that comes with sexual activities, including touching and cuddling.

Asexuality is a medical problem.

Absolutely not. It’s crucial to clarify this point.

Some asexual individuals may worry that there’s something medically wrong with them for not feeling the same intense sexual attraction their peers do, yet asexuality is unequivocally not something that requires fixing. It is not necessarily genetic, a result of trauma, or caused by anything at all. It is not the same as experiencing a fear of intimacy, loss of libido, sexual repression, sexual aversion, or sexual dysfunction; anyone can develop one or more of these conditions, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Like homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality, there is no underlying “cause” of asexuality. It is simply how someone identifies.

How do I know if I’m asexual?

There’s no magic answer to this question. Ultimately, only you can determine whether you identify as asexual.

For some, their capacity for attraction is fluid and may change over time. This is entirely normal. Just because an asexual person felt sexual attraction in the past doesn’t invalidate their current identity. Similarly, some people may identify as asexual and later experience sexual attraction. This doesn’t mean they were never asexual or that they were wrong to identify as such; it could simply indicate a shift in their sexual orientation.

It may help to reflect on what sexual attraction means to you and whether you experience that attraction.

Consider the following questions to explore how your desires align with common asexual characteristics:

• Is sex important to you?
• Do you enjoy showing affection, and does sex play a role in that?
• How do you feel about the concept of sex in general?
• When you see attractive people, do you feel the urge to have sex with them?
• Are you interested in sex because it is “what’s expected” of you?

You can also read more about asexuality and engage with members of the asexual community. Resources like AVEN and the Asexuality subreddit (which has over 126,000 members) are invaluable for those who feel alone.

This article has only touched on a few identifiers and labels within the ace umbrella, and only you can decide which terms you feel comfortable using. Remember, how you define your sexuality, orientation, or identity is entirely up to you.