We’ve all been there: in the heat of the moment, but our minds are drifting off to everything but the experience at hand. Whether it’s thoughts of our to-do lists, upcoming meetings, or what to make for dinner, it’s easy to slip into autopilot during sex. This not only diminishes our enjoyment but can also leave our partners feeling disconnected.
Remember the excitement of your first intimate encounter? The anticipation, the thrill—it was all-consuming because you were fully present. By practicing mindfulness in the bedroom, you can recapture that passion and deepen your connection with your partner.
Here are some tips to help you be more mindful during sex:
Get in the habit of practicing mindfulness outside of the bedroom
If you’ve got the right tools to be mindful when eating, walking, or spending time with a friend, then there’s no reason why you can’t transfer those practices into your sexual encounters.
If you’re new to the practice of mindfulness, a good place to start is by incorporating it into an already established daily routine like when you make your morning coffee or when brushing your teeth.
Begin by paying attention to what you’re doing; notice any smells or sensations, feel your feet grounded on the floor or the item against your skin, and then notice when thoughts pop up and your mind starts to wander elsewhere. As soon as you’re aware that your mind is wandering, consciously and without judgment, bring it back to the present moment.
The more aware you become of your mind wandering and the better you get at bringing it back to the present moment, the more likely you’ll be able to do it over and over again.
Don’t be down on yourself if you notice your mind constantly wandering, and don’t judge yourself for whatever thoughts pop up—it’s called a practice for a reason, so keep at it. Always bring your mind back to the moment.
Keep things spontaneous and explorative
To avoid your sex life becoming repetitive and monotonous, try to keep things spicy and don’t disregard the benefits of foreplay to ease into it. Start by building up the arousal and tension slowly. Enjoy the overall act of intimacy, the passion, the connection, the exploration, the contact, and the playfulness.
Have you thought about taking off one piece of clothing slowly? How about introducing pleasure products into your sex life? Or what about roleplaying or dirty talk? Whatever your preference, keeping things interesting instead of worrying about “finishing” will help keep you engaged in the moment and out of your inbox.
Focus on breath to bring you back to your body
For many people, the pressure to orgasm can be an anxiety-provoking experience. The more worried you are about how quickly or slowly you’re going to finish—or if you’re going to finish at all—the more in your head you are and the less in your body you are. A good way to bring yourself back into your body is by focusing on your breath.
When we start focusing on our breath, our mind is forced to slow down. Breath is the vehicle that takes us out of our mind and into our body. Breath helps us to be more present; to feel instead of to think.
Make sure you have a transition period
If you’ve just finished work or putting kids to sleep, you’ll most likely need to switch off and transition into feeling more sensual.
Take some time out and do whatever you need to help you get in the mood. This might be having a bath, rubbing oil on yourself, lighting a candle, meditating, sitting in silence, dimming the lights or putting technology away.
Communication
Don’t be afraid to communicate to a partner what your sexual needs are in the moment. If you’re not enjoying it, let them know what they can do to make it more pleasurable. If you’re loving it, give encouragement by telling them how good it feels. By communicating, you’re not only focusing your mind on the present but you’re also cultivating a healthy outlook on your sexuality. The best part? Most likely, this will deepen and strengthen your connection, leading to a more fulfilling sex life.
Start with solo sex
Not being present doesn’t always mean you’re distracted by mundane tasks; it can also arise from anxiety about how the sex is going or how you perceive your body.
Start getting more comfortable in your own body by spending time nurturing your own needs and being comfortable in your naked body. Consider taking the time to undress in front of the mirror and spend some time each day tending to everyday tasks in the nude. When it comes to undressing in front of a new partner, it will feel more natural to you.
Similarly, having solo sex will help you master your own pleasure so that you can easily guide others to do what feels best for you.
Incorporating mindfulness into your intimate experiences can significantly enhance your connection with your partner and deepen your pleasure. By being present, communicating openly, and exploring your desires together, you can create a fulfilling and exciting sexual relationship. Embrace these practices, and you may find that your intimate moments become more rewarding and satisfying.
Image credit: @nadiaryder
