Shannen is a music industry professional, a lover of theatre and an unpartnered woman navigating dating, romance and hookup culture in Melbourne’s inner-north. She’s also a recovering addict, who just celebrated two years of sobriety.
For many, alcohol serves as a necessary social lubricant, especially in the world of dating and intimacy. It can provide the illusion of confidence, a false sense of connection, and a convenient way to avoid facing insecurities. But what happens when you remove alcohol from the equation?
Shannen’s chat with LBDO, and journey through sobriety sheds light on the challenges and revelations that come with navigating romance, intimacy, and self-worth without the liquid courage.
The role of alcohol in intimacy
Shannen’s first love was alcohol. It was her plus one to every event - social, romantic or otherwise. It was a near-immediate gateway to confidence, making it easier to take risks and be open to intimacy. However, as time passed, it became evident that the connections formed under the influence were often not genuine.
“In retrospect, I can see that I wasn’t happy with myself. I didn’t have too much self awareness or a real sense of identity. Alcohol gave me a kind of avenue to be confident and take more risks. I used drinking to tap into intimacy…but what it would actually do was completely skew it so that whatever connection I thought I was making wasn’t actually real or genuine.”
Dates were always centered around alcohol, particularly in places with strong drinking cultures. Avoiding alcohol felt unnatural, and dating someone who didn’t drink seemed unappealing. Drinking became a way to avoid true vulnerability, allowing imposter syndrome to take over and creating a cycle of insecurity masked by intoxicated bravado.
“I wouldn’t go on a date that wasn’t focused on alcohol. Especially in Melbourne, with its strong wine and dining culture - a date wasn’t really a date without alcohol. I’d steer away from people who didn’t drink. I was worried that if booze wasn’t involved, that nobody could loosen up. They would see me for who I truly was - a sad boring girl.”
But with time and sobriety came the realisation that alcohol wasn’t making things better; it was making things worse. It was preventing true intimacy and leading to destructive habits, including blackout dates and a loss of control over personal boundaries.
“[On a typical date] most of the time I would go to the bar and get trashed. I ruined so many dates by getting blackout. I was nervous about creating connections and forging real intimacy, and alcohol made it so much simpler. I had imposter syndrome and had thought drinking made me more confident, more approachable and more loveable.”
The shift in dating and hookup culture
Casual sex is another area where alcohol often plays a significant role. Drinking can blur the lines between genuine attraction and impaired judgment, sometimes opening you up to new experiences and sometimes leading to regrettable encounters. As a sober person and a binge drinker, Shannen has experienced both.
“Yep, I sure did participate in hookup culture. It was a lot more messy. Once you’ve had a few drinks, you do get more horny. But when you’re drinking from loneliness, that drinking turns into seeking out something more. There’s nothing worse than waking up the next day and not knowing if you’ve had sex with somebody. That’s not a good feeling.”
One of the biggest revelations came after revisiting a long-term sexual relationship while sober. What once felt like passion under the influence turned out to be hollow without alcohol’s haze.
“There was this guy I was sleeping with for two years when I was drinking. Then when I got sober, I wanted to know what it was like. I entertained it. I was like, ‘Hey, we haven’t slept together since I got sober. Let’s see how it feels.’ And let me tell you… it was crap. I had no emotional connection. It made me realise it was never real intimacy or gratification, I was just drunk.”
Going six years without ever having had sober sex was a significant realisation for Shannen. Without alcohol, intimacy required more intention, and every decision carried weight.
“[Now that I’m sober] if there’s any part of me that doesn’t want to have sex, I don’t. It’s good for my self-worth. I ask myself, ‘How am I going to feel afterward? Am I going to feel icky?’ When I was drinking, I didn’t have to sit with my decisions the way I do now and acted more on impulse."
Dating without escaping
For all its benefits, dating sober is, for a lot of people, more tiring. It demands presence, vulnerability, and creativity. Gone are the days of relying on alcohol to manufacture chemistry. Instead, it’s about seeking genuine connections through shared experiences.
“I’m almost two years sober now and dating has become absolutely exhausting. You’ve really gotta be on. Activity-based dates - playing pool, going to the park, getting ice cream - those help. Because when you go out into the world and do something creative, that’s the sort of experience I want to have, to get to know what it's truly going to be like to be with someone long term. Because realistically, even if you’re someone who drinks, you’re not going to be drunk for every date, so it does give you a more genuine picture of someone.”
Even so, sobriety can be a dealbreaker for some. Whether we like it or not, a lot of the dating landscape does revolve around drinking, and rejecting that norm can be met with resistance.
“At one point I asked a prospective date, ‘Hey, by the way, I don’t drink. Is that a problem?’ He said, ‘Good luck on your sobriety journey,’ and that was that. So, yeah, people definitely turn down dates with me based on my sobriety. It sucks, but two years ago I would have done the same thing, so I can understand it.”
Self-love and sobriety
For Shannen, and a lot of people, the biggest transformation through sobriety is the relationship you have and cultivate with yourself.
“I always thought I was treating myself with a glass of wine - TREAT YOURSELF! Then suddenly I’m two bottles deep and reflecting on all the things I didn’t like about myself. You realise you’re no longer treating yourself; you’re actually just abusing yourself.”
These days, self-care looks different. It’s about finding fulfilment in solo activities, embracing pleasure without guilt and appreciating life’s little rituals.
“100%, I date myself. I go to the gym, take myself to yoga, and go to dinner alone, but not lonely. I used to feel guilty when I masturbated, which was complicated, but not anymore. Pleasure and guilt used to go hand in hand, but now I don’t feel like that. Even my skincare routine is an act of self-care because I want to keep going another day. I like myself now. I respect myself and I’m proud of myself, so dates with myself are always going to be fulfilling.”
Sobriety is more than just abstaining from alcohol; it’s about rebuilding, learning, and growing. It’s about coming to terms with past mistakes while embracing the present with a renewed sense of self. For Shannen, through sobriety, intimacy became something deeper than it once was. But while some doors close, others open. The clarity that sobriety brings allows for healthier boundaries and deeper self-respect.
“[Before I became sober] I couldn’t even look someone I had sex with in the eyes. And now, I confidently can - because now I can look myself in the mirror and be like, ‘Fuck yeah. This is who I am. I’m not ashamed of myself anymore.”
We thank Shannen so much for sharing her story with us.
To read more about Shannen’s journey, you can find her blog here and TikTok here.
Do you have your own story about love, intimacy, self-care or dating you’d like to share with us? We’d love to hear from you. Drop us an email at hello@lbdo.com.au
